I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
