theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
