I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
BRING THE BAGELS
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
