I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Randomize
