I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
