Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby

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(281): View more from Texas

I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

You would...

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(714): View more from California

Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.

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(806): View more from Texas

Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.

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(206): View more from Washington

Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.

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