So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
