Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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