Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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