Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
