So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
