i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
