someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
