Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
