Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
