...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
