I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
