A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
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composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
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So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize