i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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