Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
