You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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