I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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