Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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