i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
