he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
A+ Viking dick
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
