I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
