On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
