The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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