mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
