I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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