just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
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he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
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Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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