Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
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I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
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Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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