Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Who wears a wallet chain?!
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
