guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Michael Bay diarrhea
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
