We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
