Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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