Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
