Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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