you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
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just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
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Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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