It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
