an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
