you're like a bully in the Christmas story
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
