Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
