Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
