we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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