I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I think i peed on brittanys purse
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
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Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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