every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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