After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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