I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
