White coat. Heels.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
