I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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