Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
