I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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